a live view of alive

Right now, tonight, here's the first post - it comes in the name of a nameless restlessness, please forgive if it's a mess.

The mind's wandering wandering, and the first thing which comes to mind is the heart. Funny that, mind, heart.

The other day I went in for an echocardiogram (echo - sound; cardio - heart; gram - picture; this is off top of head so forgive mistakes please) - but essentially an ultrasound of the heart. The nurse rubbed a clear gel on my chest, and then she started scanning with a device. One of the first thoughts I got was "So this is how it's done!" Thinking of the way pregnant women can see their babies. Seeing a child inside of you must be another experience in itself, but I want to spend a few moments over how it was seeing one's own heart. I turned my head to look at the screen, and then I was no longer allowed to move because the nurse had to get proper pictures. As I looked to the screen, it took a bit of time to register what was actually going on. Initially, it's just interesting images -- look, dark spots, lighter spots. I see movement here, there. Contours, circles of oddness. The alternating blue & red. Then it occurred to me that this was actually inside me. This image of a funny shaped something on the screen is inside of me. It's what is keeping me alive. Heck, it's proof that I'm alive (philosophers - bear with me, forget the knowing-not-knowing discussion a minute)... By mechanisms I don't control consciously, this vital organ keeps the rest of me alive. It has a life of its own. The blue red changing colours which are computer generated represent some flow perhaps. The contours circles allow and direct blood to flow in directions it needs to. Alive.