thoughts about study...

so what's it about computer science?

thoughts of computer science as a tool -- what do you want to use it for?

what's it that you want your life to amount to?

taken from stars (post-in-draft; then again, aren't they all?):

11/23/2009

is a life even supposed to amount to something? can it amount to something?

I guess this is might be one of those meaning of life questions -- it's one of those things that I sidestep. I've accepted some sort of thought on it, but it's something that I don't usually think about much, because I don't find it consequential to daily life. Something like religion.

It's just right now I'm starting to wonder. What am I doing with myself? What am I doing? Why am I doing what I'm doing? What do I want? How ironic a situation it is to not know what you want. Or maybe I know what I want but I've just buried it in me somewhere and hence can no longer find it.

I live my life feeling. I see a picture of a girl..

taken from stars (blog where i'd started writing other things); post-in-draft:

11/9/2009

I live my life feeling. I see a picture of a girl with a bloated stomach, my hand moves to my own.

I want to cry when I think of Gandhi. I cannot think of him any more...

...but was he just human? Should I accept him for his whole, his flaws?

What I want to do

-live (work) in Amsterdam

-work in rural India

-work in the African continent

-fashion; design

-design MechE like things for extreme affordability

-learn Spanish, French, Arabic, Urdu, Hindi, Sanskrit, Dutch, Mandarin, Bengali, Punjabi

-study poetry

-make a documentary of impact

-move a movement

-go mountain biking, hiking trekking, surfing

-work as a waitress or shop staff or etc.

-bring better technology to farming

-do something about the urban poor

-do something about education, schools

-make music; learn Hindustani vocal

-start a Gaelic football team at Stanford

-be an actress; do drama

I visited a friend and teacher of mine; I wanted to see if I could learn some dance from her during my month in Chennai. After catching up on the past year and eating milk sweets and pakoras, as I was getting ready to leave, her daughter came visiting.

I'd certainly heard the descriptor "sparkling eyes" before, but never had I met someone whose eyes sparkled as much as Jyotsna Aunty's did. 

They drew me in, and before we even got the chance to exchange the regular pleasantries, I had already asked her the question that had been on my mind that day: what exactly does yoga mean?

"Yoga has to do with the mind."

"Yoga is the mind -- it is mindfulness. It's not weight-loss, it's not getting fit, it's not about the body at all. Ayurveda may be about the body. But yoga -- yoga is about being aware. And with complete awareness (of the body and more) comes natural physical fitness (which is often viewed as the purpose of yoga). But it's not a cause-effect thing, no, she said. It's a cycle. 

Yoga remains about the mind, and thus involves the breath above all else.

She learned dance when she was younger, and so I asked her what the connection between dance and yoga are. "Dance IS yoga!"

"Push yourself. Take one step, one thattadavu or any basic step. And do it for 30 minutes. or 40 minutes. Do it in different tempos, do it in different talas. And focus entirely on it. 100%. Push yourself. It's incredibly hard. Do it without stopping! You have to go beyond! 

"And it's so beautiful! It's not beautiful to watch and it's not the dancer that is beautiful. But it makes me feel beautiful. and it makes you feel beautiful. And it creates beauty!"

These were the golden words. Creating -- revealing -- inherent beauty. The sense of beauty that simply is. The beauty that is revealed when you really push the mind. The beauty that comes when thinking ceases. When the mind is completely aware.

Whether it's dancing, whether it's swimming, whether it's an asana, whether it's breathing. Whether it's eating or it's talking, whether it's brushing your teeth or whether it's running a marathon, Push Beyond. Dedicate 100% of your awareness to it. Fully engage. And only beauty is. 

Listened to a RadioLab podcast on "choice." Case study on Elliot, incapable of making choice; discovered that the tumour which had affected his brain had cut him off emotionally. Rationality is good, but need that emotional drive; we can't be purely rational.

WNYC: RadioLab: Choice

...more later.

life is beautiful

I went to Dr. Dewan's house today with my sister, and we got a ride back from a couple that had also been visiting her. The husband was American, and the wife a Peruvian lady. She spoke with an accent, and smiled a lot. The wrinkles on her face betrayed the sparkle in her eyes.

We found out later in the car that she had gone to Juliard, been a classical dancer originally. She'd grown up in Lima and learnt the art from retired Russian dancers! It sounded so romantic to me; I tried imagining her, as a young woman, arriving in New York for the first time. As she talked about her first impression of New York, the fond memory surrounded her - the excitement of leaving home for the first time; away from parents; coming to America; to New York city! What an alive city. She met her husband at a party in New York, he was studying at Columbia at the time. They had both only gone to the party casually (imagine if one or the other hadn't?). Life is funny sometimes. Chance plays.

Then: "Life is beautiful." The charm with which she spoke those words, made me remember all over that it was. "Enjoy it. Enjoy life while you have it. Look all around you, there's all this beauty." A smile. "There are all these pessimistic people, thinking things are falling apart... but look; it's beautiful." Her vibrance, her vibrancy for life, is refreshing; we're decades apart, I'm young, but she's vibrant; I start to feel the vibrancy I know is in there, looking past the mist, thank you. Her husband, then added "Yes, things are falling apart (refering to the state of the economy), but I'm still happy." Then she motions "It's beautiful; like, look, those trees!" You just have to open your eyes, live, to see the beauty.

कुछ ख्यालों

जिसको मेरी फ़िक्र नही, मैं उसका क्या करूँ?

मैं शायद थोडी सी पगली सी हूँ - अपनी दुनिया में खोई रहती हूँ। लेकिन जैसे John Henessy कहते हैं, "There's more in you." मुझमे और है। और अगर मैं देना चाहती हूँ, और कोई लेना नही चाहता मेरे लाख कोशिशों के बावजूद, थो फ़िर मैं क्या करूँ? उसको रहने देने के अलावा, मेरे पास और कोई रास्ता ही नही है।

मुझे शौक है कवितों का, गानों का, नाचने का। दिन में ख़्वाबों देखने का, इश्क भरी लव्जों का।